Are Monsanto foods responsible for Santa’s obesity (Satire)

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Santa Claus Obesity(NaturalHealth365) Monsanto foods are making Santa Claus sick and tired. I heard through the Christmas tree the other day that Santa Claus, that right jolly old elf from the North Pole, is having some health challenges. It all started with a trip to one of Santa’s outposts at the local mall.

A 5-year old girl shares her wisdom about Santa Claus

My daughter said, “Papa, do you think that Santa is getting fat from all the pasteurized milk and wheat cookies people are leaving out for him on Christmas Eve?” And that got me thinking. Santa has put on an extra 40 pounds since his appearance in the movie, “Miracle on 34th Street”, and his nose seems a bit red – a sign of heart congestion in Chinese medicine.

We observed that Santa’s joints seem to be hurting, which means that it may be getting harder for him to mush the reindeer and steer the sleigh. And his diabetes seems to be acting up, causing him to have to urinate frequently, be thirsty all the time, and have difficulty landing his sleigh. (Why else would Santa need to take three potty breaks, drink an entire bottle of water, and complain about his knees while we were waiting our turn in line for an hour?)

The real reason why Santa is suffering

So, I decided to dig a little deeper and investigate just what people were leaving out for Santa next to the fireplace. I asked my daughter for some leads. She suggested that “The Grinch” might be behind Santa’s failing health. I began to look for clues. What I uncovered sent icicles down my spine.

On our drive home, we saw Santa drinking Coca-Cola on a billboard that read, “Drink Happiness”. I began to think that the “Grinch” was the high fructose corn syrup (HFCS) in the soda, a GMO-sweetener that has been linked to obesity and failing health. A trip to the grocery store sent me down another rabbit hole. There on some cans of soup was a picture of Santa drinking soup filled with MSG – an ingredient used by researchers to induce obesity in laboratory animals.

With HFCS and MSG now at the top of my “Grinch” list, we began to explore the usual Christmas Eve staples – homemade cookies and milk. Sounds harmless enough, right? Wrong!

Watch out for the holiday cookies – they may kill you!

Those homemade cookies are made from a hybrid form of wheat, which contains high levels of gluten and gliadin – two allergens that trigger bloating and inflammation in the gut. And that milk has been pasteurized, destroying the vitamin D3, vitamin K2, and healthy fats that Santa so desperately needs living in the dark North Pole.

Part of the Santa puzzle was solved! Just then, my daughter turned to me and said, “Papa, why doesn’t Santa Claus have any children? Maybe he needs to get a copy of your book, Brighton Baby!” Then it hit me like a snow ball in the face! Santa Claus may be infertile. It all makes sense.

The real “Grinch” who stole Christmas – exposed!

The Christmas “Grinch” is Monsanto – the purveyor of all things genetically modified! Research has linked GMO corn and soy to male infertility in animal studies. With no one to turn over the sleigh “reigns” to, the “Grinch” is intentionally trying to sabotage Christmas by ensuring that Christmas giving will die with Santa Claus.

Now that we had a motive, I needed to find out “how” the “Grinch” was planning on stealing Christmas. Those homemade cookies and sugarplums are being made with corn starch, corn syrup, HFCS and soy lecithin – ingredients all made from GMO corn and soy. Aha! Monsanto, you Christmas Grinch, give up – before it is too late.

Santa Claus needs our help – Now

This Christmas Eve, we all need to pull together and help Santa get his sleigh-riding, chimney-jumping mojo back. When Santa was young, he was a fit and trim saint from Siberia. As he got older and assumed the “reigns” as the “Saint of Giving”, he inspired others to give to him.

A hundred years ago, kids began thanking Santa with a warm glass of raw milk and homemade cookies, made with clarified butter, non-hybrid whole wheat and oats, a dash of raw cane and maple sugar. As the years passed, those wholesome ingredients were swapped for synthetic hydrogenated fats, pasteurized butter from grain-fed cows, pesticide-sprayed oats, and eventually GMO-sugar and corn starch.

This Christmas Eve, let’s celebrate our farming roots by giving Santa a warm glass of raw grass-fed milk, and wheat-free cookies made with grass-fed clarified butter (to control the bloating and help his knees); a blend of xylitol, organic coconut sugar, and a dash of Grade B maple syrup (to control his diabetes); and free-range organic eggs (from chickens fed flax seeds, not soy).

And, if you are going to make him some homemade soup, consider Santa’s homeland, Siberia, and make him a warm bowl of borscht to decongest his liver.

About the author: Dr. Roy Dittman is author of Brighton Baby: A Revolutionary Organic Approach to Having an Extraordinary Child, a ground-breaking, three-book trilogy. To order a copy of Dr. Dittman’s book – visit:

With over 30 years of experience in perinatal and longevity sciences, Dr. Dittman’s life-long commitment to transforming the way in which we conceive, birth, and raise children inspires couples to take action now to protect their future children’s destiny. You can follow him on Facebook, at “Brighton Baby”; and through his weekly blog on

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  • Linda F. Wade

    I loved this article. Your article displays a lot of imagination as well as truth in the way it was conveyed. I hope that it starts convincing adults who choose to ignore these dangers in chemically-treated foods to wake up. I plan on showing this to my grandchildren. We need to reach the hearts and minds of children to teach them why these seemingly tempting treats that television and advertising bombards them with will kill them.

    I love what your five (5) year old daughter said about what was causing Santa to get fat.

    Merry Christmas.

  • Roy Dittmann

    Linda – Thank you. I am reading your comment while getting ready to decorate our Christmas tree. Happy holidays to you and your family.

  • Jean

    Sad and True, Alas….and made me feel just awful while reading it. And then I got to thinking, couldn’t you possibily
    hold your venom and spite and superiority in check for just one day and try not to disturb people’s joy and happiness in the holidays? We all know about what is being done to food on the planet and especially in America. (we are reading this article and do suscribe to this newsletter, you know) So take a break and have a MERRY CHRISTMAS.

  • Anne

    Venom, spite, superiority ???? Yes, the truth hurts doesn’t it, even on Christmas. There’s no ‘get out of health destroying bad food cards’ even for the Holidays. Do get real people.

  • Linda

    @jean you got it wrong the venom and superiority is from monsanto and all others doing this to our food supply. You may know about the issues with food but the majority of people don’t and it’s only through articles like this that educate the uniformed that we have possibility of change. So I ask that we never take a break in spreading truth so that we may all enjoy a healthier future of food on this planet